Are you holding back in the bedroom? What is it going to take for you to finally just surrender and let go?
Are you waiting to lose that last 10 lbs or baby fat? Are you waiting until you finally start going to yoga three times a week or running 10 miles a week? Are you waiting for those stretch marks to go away or are you waiting until you go and get that long over due pedicure?
Stop waiting! It’s time. SURRENDER! Let go. Leave it all somewhere safe – I promise the negative self talk and all of the doubt will wait. Lock it up and put it somewhere and let your hair down, girl! Having a great sex life means you have to stop doubting yourself and stop picking yourself apart. I promise if he has an erection, he is likely not noticing your saggy breasts or your cellulite!
One of the keys to having a great sex life is letting go of all of that negative self talk. And, stop comparing yourself to other women or other couples. You are you! Only you can do what you do the way you do it. You are your own special sauce. If he was not into something about you he probably would not be in a bed with you. Right?
Ok, so now go find those panties, lingerie or costume and go put it on. ROCK HIS WORLD. People remember how you make them feel not how you looked while doing it. SERIOUSLY. You know all of this already. Why aren’t you practicing it? Why are you holding back and being a “good girl” in the bedroom? Stop letting the media and all of that crap you brought up learning about what a lady does or does not do. I am not suggesting you let your class go out the window. You can be classy and dirty at the same time. FOR REAL!
Sex is such a fabulous way to stay connected to your partner. I know for me, when I feel like I could possibly commit a homicidal act against my partner and I want to wring his neck – I just take a deep breath and remember “this too shall pass.” And, I find that when we make up and get back together in bed it reminds me how much I actually really do like him.
As one of my good friends says “stop buying what the media is selling” and remember that for every man that loves a size 2 there is an equal amount of men who love a size 22. For every man who loves DDD breasts there are an equal amount of men who love an A cup. (Yes, some men DO NOT like super big boobs. Seriously. They are turned off by them. No joke!)
I know I say it a lot, but you are PERFECT exactly the way you are. Especially when you believe that and LOVE yourself for exactly how you look RIGHT NOW. And, when you have that kind of confidence in the bedroom and you just stay in the moment and surrender to the act – you both will go places you have never been before.
If you are already fabulous at all of this kind of stuff and you know how to help us all to let go of the crap that the media and society brainwashes us into believing – please share your tips and tactics here. We’re all a work in progress and I know I can sometimes doubt myself, too. (Especially the 2 days leading up to my cycle.) So, we all need a reminder.
My goal is that every time you worry about dimming the lights or you get too nervous to wear that new vinyl skirt or that skimpy thong for him – you hear my voice in your head saying to you “GO FOR IT. YOU ARE PERFECT! GET GREEDY! Go rock his world!”
Blissfully,
Chrystal Bougon
www.Facebook.com/BlissConnection
My passion is your passion. I am the Chief Toy Officer for www.BlissConnection.com and I love to help women and couples to have mind blowing sex!
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks Chrystal. This is a great blog. You have said so many times when a woman become greedy in the bedroom both partners benefit!
With your help as my friend, I have talked with you about the many self esteem issues I had growing up with the negative talk I received from my family. I worked hard to overcome that, and at 41 I feel sexier than when I was 21. I was hot then, but doubted it.
I get more attention now then when I was younger, and the funny thing is, I was told as I got older my options would diminish rather than open up. How wrong indeed! Life is very exciting now professionally and personally.
Your partner is not judging you in that sexy thong or vinyl skirt. He is just looking at you and drooling, wanting you to get closer!
I have always had a body image problem. Looking back on it I even had issues when I was young and thin. There was always someone with what I thought was a better body, flatter stomach or nicer boobs. What was I thinking? I look back at pictures now that while I was never a size 2 I was pretty hot! Now at 50 I realize I spent way too much time stressing about not being good enough.
I’ve been married for about 20 years and what my girlfriends and I have realized is husbands don’t see what we see. I think somehow my husband still sees the girl he married. How is that even possible? I look at him and i see an older guy with a stomach that wasn’t there before and while I love him I can see he’s not the same man I married BUT one of the things that I love about him is even though I’m not the same girl he married he makes me feel like I am and i can honestly say I don’t think he even notices my poochy tummy, less perky boobs and extra weight.
I do get in a funk about how I look and wish for the days of being 26 again with that hot bod (now that I know it). I need things like your article to help me remember I am who I am and I can be sexy at any size or age. Thanks for the article!
You speak the truth Darlin. They really dont care. They just want to love you. I have been with my hubby for 18 years come next month. That is a LONG time to be with 1 person so you need to be curious and experimental and fun and playful and naughty and all those things that keep it interesting. I have gone thru funks about my weight but it only ends up hurting me. Dont let the negative self-talk get in the way of intimacy. That is one of the best things life has to offer.
Great message girl! No matter what size, what phase of life, every woman struggles with this for sure!! Letting go of the idea of perfection and understanding that perfection is YOU the way you are right now is something to work on every day. Positive self talk is a great start! Thanks for sharing…
I think all people – men and women – have body image issues at some point. Maybe we just talk about the women’s body issues more then men talk about it. I just try to remind myself not to look BACK all the time… how hot was I 20 years ago. I just try to be in the moment… carpe diem… sieze the moment and enjoy now.
Thanks for the comment, Kim and for sharing with all of us your experience. You are BEAUTIFUL!
YES. Drooling and wanting to get closer. You are SO right, Jeanine. Thanks for the comment hottie!
It drives me NUTS when I hear my friends saying things out loud about their bodies or their brains. “Oh, I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I did that.” or “omg, I am so fat. I really need to lose some weight.” It makes me think if they are saying those things out loud then I can only imagine the negative self talk going on secretly inside of their heads. BAD! I am pretty sure my bookclub is getting sick of hearing me tell them to STOP IT. But they are all so gorgeous and generous and I want them to see themselves the way I see them.
Yah, it’s so true. Sometimes our self doubt and negative self talk do keep us from attaining that kind of deeper intimacy. It is one of the best things life has to offer for sure.
Great post! Feeling sexy inside is what has always made for great sex for me–sometimes when I am large and sometimes when I’m not. It comes from the right combination of head and hormones.
The other side of it all is that as my body has aged, so has my husband’s eyesight! He still thinks I look great and I have known him since I was 18!
Confidence is Sexy…Love is Sexy… Fortunately for me, my hubby of 29 years still thinks naked is sexy. I think no matter what our orientation, if we get obsessed with out own bodies we can’t be giving to our partners – Self-absorption is NOT Sexy. I say let’s stop giving our money to those who would tear us down and concentrate on those who facilitate positive self images. (Wow, about 5 different thoughts there…)
I think I’ll print this out, and keep it for those days when I need a reminder!
I can’t count how many times my husband has said that confidence is the biggest turn-on!
Pretend you & he are in the jungle, hot sweaty and WILD! What does WILD conjur up in your mind. WILD like you don’t recognize yourself….
Wow – really well said, Chrystal. I have two comments.
1) I was naughtily experimental with my first boyfriend, and being somewhat prudish, he let me continue with my experiment for about 10 minutes and then declared that only “bad girls” do that kind of thing. I declared, “Busted! If you really meant that, you would have stopped me immediately!” That was my first glimpse into the odd predicament of the Madonna/whore complex. I vowed then that I would not stop experimenting – just needed to find the men who appreciated it!
2) I tell younger women these days (my daughter comes to mind) that they are in their absolute prime now, and they are well advised to enjoy the heck out of their gorgeous bods, cuz it just does not get any better than NOW. Funny thing is, I have no idea if I could have taken in that same advice when I was 20. When you realize the years for enjoying great sex are numbered, it helps remove the worry about the trivial matters. And yes, confidence and a fun attitude are SEXY!
You are in YOUR prime, Alexandra. It gets SO GOOD for women when we hit 40. We actually know what to do with our amazing bodies …. not so true for women in their 20’s!
This really hits home, Chrystal – I’ve always had an extremely negative view of the way I look, and now that I see myself aging I feel absolutely undesirable. I KNOW my husband doesn’t feel the same way about myself that I do, but I can NEVER seem to turn off those self-recriminating voices in my head. (like it’s my fault that I’m aging, which is ridiculous, but still ever-present in my thoughts. I keep thinking “maybe I should have taken better care of my skin, and maybe I need to spend more money on expensive cosmeceuticals so I’ll look 35 when I’m 50) I’m going to be keeping this blog post in mind as I continue to fight the negative self image battle that’s raging on inside my head!
Dear Ms. Nameless: STOP buying what the media is selling. If you believe the magazines and all of the commercials all of our vulvas should smell like an ocean breeze and women get SUPER GIDDY and excited when a stain comes out of their kid’s t-shirts.
I know it’s not that simple, but aging is natural. It’s beautiful. I try to look at my laugh lines and my crows feet as proof that I have laughed a lot in my lifetime. Try to reframe those negative thoughts.
My big butt and hips are MORE CUSHION FOR THE PUSHIN. If you know me, I am far from having the so called perfect body. By most standards I am very very large. But, if you knew how many compliments I get about my big butt and my big hips – you would be shocked. It still shocks me honestly. Because the media would have you believe that young and 24 years old is the ideal…. the rest of us feel old or fat. It’s just not true. This is the age of the cougar. Mature women are desired now more then ever. Desired for our experience and our mature bodies! I promise. I hear it from men all the time. Men who are in their 20’s that won’t date a woman unless she is over 40!!!
We all have those voices in our heads. Some of of us just get really good and quieting them down and noticing when they start up. When I hear mine, I ask myself “ok, what’s going on right now” and try to figure out what is really bothering me. It’s work, but it’s worth it.
No More Negative Self Talk – Make space in your brain for cooking up crazy, sensual, kinky experiences for you and your hubby. 🙂 xo, Chrystal
Straight talk from a woman who clearly knows who she is. Keep preaching this message sister! Menfolk like myself love a strong, confident woman who isn’t afraid to be herself, to let loose and to be sexy without fear of being over the top. Sure, society at large might not be able to handle it, but a good man can, and will, and he’ll respect and adore you just as much, if not more than he ever did.
I promise you, in this day and age, us guys have issues with our bodies just as much as you do. Try being fuzzy in a world where every man they show on tv and in movies is hairless. Not fun.
But that’s society being silly. I find that most of the time, if you put a man and a woman together who have half a brain, and any sort of chemistry – those “flaws” are overlooked completely.
Thanks, love. I appreciate your feedback.
So true. I really appreciate your male perspective. I posted your replies on my FB wall. Golden!
Thank you!!
Time to dust this one off and share it with my Curvy Girl page!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said to myself “well at least you have a pretty face” It is so hard to overcome the self loathing that I have for myself. Honestly it just got worse 2.5 years ago when I was in a relationship with someone and they gave me HSV1 “down there”. For those of you who don’t know..that’s the cold sore virus known as herpes! I really went thru a hell of a time and am still trying to work my confidence level back to where it was before I was diagnosed with this. I’ve always been a bigger girl, never had problems finding men..now it’s me who doesn’t want anything to do with them (because of the risk)and they want me.
Talk about awkward conversations. I’m extremely open about it, and ended up telling the guy I’d been having an online relationship with that I had what I had. He was very supportive and said “it’s manageable right? we will deal with it if it happens” as in..if he gets it when we meet (which i’m still not convinced I want to take that chance until we know it’s gonna be forever). Anyways…i’m a size 20, pretty muscular…and I’m always saying to him “I look good with my clothes on! not so much without” and he always gets onto me saying “you are gorgeous!” I’ve started accepting his compliments and believing them!
I got off the subject a little, but I wanted to say I really appreciate your posts…when I’m having my doubtful moments, I try to tell myself to shutup and smile. If I’ve learned anything from my own experiences it’s that there are A LOT more things to worry about than my size and what I look like naked lol
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