Talk dirty to me! How do I get my husband to do it?

by Chrystal Bougon on March 29, 2012


I get this “dirty talk” question all the time. A woman I have never met just sent me an email asking me for tips on how to get her husband to be more verbal in bed so I decided it was time for a blog post about this “dirty talk” topic. (A blog I wrote about Sexting here in 2010.)

In my experience, women are very aural and men are very visual. Women need to HEAR sexy things. Men seem to get turned on by SEEING sexy things. Now, this is a huge generalization and I realize that. But, hear me out.

I have met thousands of women at our home sex toy parties here in the Bay Area. And, I hear it over and over. “Why is my husband so quiet when I am going down on him” or “why is my boyfriend so quiet when we have sex?”

I think there are a few things at work here and I would love to hear from men who have any thoughts on this topic. I think that for men, they are often focusing on how not to finish too soon. Since most men grow up as “masturbation ninjas” (as my friend and Sex Educator Ried Mihalko calls them) it’s my theory that they learn how to climax super fast at a very early age. (All of that hiding their masturbation evidence from their Moms, siblings and the family dog.) So when they are having sex with you, I believe that they are busy focusing on how to last longer so they do not disappoint you. Hence they get super quiet and are concentrating. (Just my theory.)

And, my other theory is that men sometimes respect you too much to say super dirty things to you in bed. They associate that sort of naughty talk with porn stars and the online porn they watch. This often occurs when you have children together or have been together for a long long time.

But, there is hope and there are some great books on the topic of How to Talk Dirty To Your Lover.

Have you ever tried Phone Sex? Maybe while one of you was on a business trip? It can really lead to some hot homecoming sex. I always say that absence makes the heart grow hornier! Here are some Phone Sex Tips from Jayme Waxman. And some tips for Sexting your lover on, too.

But, if you are familiar with my thoughts on things in the bedroom, you know I think if you want things to get hotter or improve in some way then YOU need to be the one to make it happen. (Hopefully he reads this, too. Then you will BOTH be working on making things better.) But, if you want change, then be the change.

So, how do you start talking dirty if you have not before? Well, you just start. Just like anything else. Start by YOU being more verbal first. When he is touching you or kissing you, tell him exactly how good that feels. Describe how it feels to you. Stay in the moment for a few and really describe how each thing he does makes you feel. Then, when you are ready to graduate to the next level, whisper to him what you want him to do.

Before we jump to the “describing what you want him to do step” – if you are touching him, if you are kissing him or maybe if you are going down on him – describe what you are thinking. And, men seem to REALLY love when you compliment their penis. I have never met a man that did not truly appreciate a genuine cock compliment. “Wow, babe, your balls taste yummy today. Did you put honey dust on them for me?”  “Sweety, you cock feels so thick in my hand today.”  He will be drunk with your penis compliments. I promise. But, be sincere. Admire his manhood and put into words how it looks to you. Big, thick, fat, hard, beautiful, throbbing, enormous and other adjectives come to mind.

Now, by this time he may be more comfortable talking back to you. If you get him into the moment and say some very nice things to him out loud, you may get him so comfortable and so in the moment that he says some nice things back to you. And, this is where you start inserting some fun stuff into the dialogue. (Very punny, I know. )

A simple “I can’t wait to feel you inside me” can go a LONG WAYS in the bedroom. And, you can even ask him ” are you excited, babe?”  See what he says. Test the waters. Like all great stuff in the bedroom, it does take up the time to trust each other enough to really let go and just say what is on your mind. We all have to feel like we will NOT be judged by the dirty, kinky things we say in the heat of the moment. And, that does take some time and trust to get there. So, this does not just happen over night.

Try to just go with it and express yourself. The biggest thing that leads to HOT SEX is communication. And, as a very wise person said to me once “if you are intimate enough to put your genitals inside of each other, you should be able to talk about anything.”

I read something the other day and I cannot for the life of me remember where I read it, but I love the concept behind it. As an adult, how much of the fun in your life happens spontaneously? Once you are a grown up with a family and a home and a job, you probably have pretty much most of your life on a calendar. But, how many of us have “work on our sex life” on our calendar? My point is that you will not have HOT sex with lots of kinky, dirty talk unless you PLAN for it and make time for it.

So, add DIRTY TALK to your TO DO list and I promise it will happen eventually….. you Dirty Slut!

Blissfully, Chrystal Bougon is our online sex toy store in case you need a little sumthin sumthin. And, our blog readers can use the coupon code BLOG for 15% off


{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Conina March 30, 2012 at 10:52 am

All the things you said help, but what was probably the biggest aid in leading us to a sex life full of dirty talking was writing letters, making lists of the types of things I wanted to hear, the things that would really turn me on, or writing fantasy scenes. Given those things, he could peruse them at his own leisure rather than feeling put on the spot at any given moment.

Blissconnection March 30, 2012 at 10:55 am

Great advice! I love it. Thanks so much for sharing your tips!

MattH July 11, 2012 at 7:23 pm

I have recently been trying to work on things like this with my wife. I think talking dirty makes things hotter and accentuates what’s happening making a better night for both of us. I don’t know about a lot of guys, but I speak for myself about the being quite when things really feel good. I really want to say something sometime to let my wife know she’s got the right spot, but I’m just frozen with intense feelings sometimes it’s hard to pull my mind away from that. Best thing I can recommend would be to listen to the breathing and a guys pulse (might even be able to feel that in his penis, I know I can.) 

I think the writing thing is a good way to ease into talking dirty. Then you can talk about what you wrote, without this new activity seeming like it’s coming out of nowhere. 

I know the more open we are and the more we discuss sex, it seems the more we end up having it because it ends up being almost a sort of foreplay. 

Blissconnection July 11, 2012 at 10:42 pm

 Sounds like you two are going to have great sex f.o.r.e.v.e.r. because you have the right attitude!

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