Orgasming with a man: The thoughts that run through our head

by Chrystal Bougon on July 17, 2010

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Stop Faking It, Just Have One has been my mantra for the past 5 years or more (well, actually maybe since about the time I turned 30). “No one can give you an orgasm. It’s your job to have an orgasm, not someone’s job to give you one” is the first line of the book I am writing. When I read this survey and this sort of  “stream of consciousness” from Calle on her survey about a woman’s orgasm, I knew I had to share it. It’ just gives you what I feel is a sliver of the thought process women go through before we have sex with someone new and before we can climax with a partner.

Calle has a website called “” and her website is all about “Intimate, Happy & Fulfilling Relationships.”  Clever, right?  She has lots of ways to help couples in long term relationships strengthen their bond and keep the sex good and going and going and going.

Ok, here’s the quote from her survey I wanted to share about the thoughts that run through a woman’s head and the decision process many of us go through to allow us to surrender to the pleasure:

“Question: Once a woman starts making love with a man, what causes her to be orgasmic with him?

Calle’s Answer: When she reaches the conclusion, “Ok, I can relax…everything seems to be ok…he’s relaxed and enjoying himself…everything seems to be feeling good to him…he seems to be really enjoying me…he seems to really be into me…he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry or a rush…so, I guess I CAN and should start enjoying myself too…I guess I CAN and should start noticing what feels good…I guess I CAN and should tune into what is pleasurable…yes…I feel safe…yes…he seems to be fully accepting me…yes…I I LOVE the connection we have…yes…this is sexy and erotic…yes…it’s ok…if I need to, I can tell him or guide him to do whatever I need for me…ok…this is nice…yes…this IS nice…everything is ok…it’s just us…nothing else matters…it’s just me and him…and this moment of love and connection…of true intimacy…ohh…this feels good…this IS good…” Then, at some point a woman stops thinking, caring, comparing, judging, evaluating, worrying, etc. and surrenders to the joy and pleasure of connection and feeling…she ALLOWS and LETS herself go with the pleasure…she DRIVES the man as needed to GIVE her the pleasure she needs, and once she does this, she has moved into the “orgasmic / pleasure / surrendered state“…which barring any distractions or interruptions will take her to orgasm. ”

I put the text in red because I wanted to ephasize that part.

My take on this is that if he has invited you into his bedroom or boudior – he is ALL THOSE THINGS and so if you can, that is the time to let go of all of that worry about the COMPARING and the EVALUATING and let go. ENJOY. I know it can be hard work for us to do that, but we all know the sex will be so much better if everyone can just let go of all of that STUFF we have rattling around in our brain and just enjoy the pleasure we deserve.

We’d love your comments here on our blog. Please check out Calle’s website. GREAT site with great info and great tools. You can also join us on our Facebook Fan Page at


{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Calle Zorro July 17, 2010 at 1:46 pm

Hi Chrystal,

Great article…and I am flattered that you have quoted me.

Your statement of “No one can give you an orgasm. It’s your job to have an orgasm, not someone’s job to give you one.” is SOOOO true.

And you know, it’s the craziest thing…too many women are waiting around for someone to GIVE them one…and all they need to do is take the reins so to speak and HAVE one!

There’s nothing to “get”…they already HAVE everything that’s needed.

But of course, it’s hard to HAVE an orgasm when a woman’s mind is on everything EXCEPT what it’s supposed to be focused on during lovemaking.

For example, how can a woman expect to have an orgasm if she’s analyzing and trying to figure out what her lover thinks of her looks or size?

How can she expect to have an orgasm if she’s paranoid over keeping her lover from seeing her butt (or some other part of her anatomy) in a certain light or angle?

I can assure you, when a woman is naked with him, NO normal, decent, reasonable man is thinking about or even noticing some wrinkle, bulge, or stretch-mark. He’s ONLY thinking about ONE line of thought:

Does this woman WANT to give AND receive affection and pleasure WITH me? Does she WANT to enjoy me WHILE I enjoy her? Does she WANT to be with me like I WANT to be with her? Does she WANT to give herself to me like I want to give myself to her?

And, if the answer is “Yes!” then the woman could look like an elephant or a giraffe for all the man cares.

This is why ALL guys like James Bond movies…in addition to the action, they can pretend for an hour and a half that they are that guy with whom a sexually-charged woman WANTS to be with.

Same thing with porn…and by no means am I condoning or promoting porn…I’m just making a point…many women see what men are looking at and they feel intimidated…they get offended and feel cheated…because they THINK there is no way they can “compete” with the sculptured, oiled, highlighted women in porn…and they totally miss that the ONLY thing the guy is noticing is how much the woman LIKES and WANTS to be affectionate and sexual with the male actor…and how much the woman enjoys everything. And of course, porn doesn’t at all represent reality…but it TOTALLY sums up the essence of what a man wants…a woman who WANTS him with a passion!

For a man, there is NO “love-connector” more powerful than a woman who WANTS to share affection and pleasure WITH him…in spite of HIS faults AND HERS!

So, ladies, LET GO of any negative stuff in your head…WANT your man…WANT to feel pleasure…and HAVE yourself a wonderful, incredible, deeply-connecting orgasm with your man.

Chrystal July 17, 2010 at 2:48 pm

We love the MALE perspective Calle.

What most people forget is that the other person is probably not even noticing all of the stuff we are worried about because they are so worried about their own stuff.

I love this idea – let go and WANT your partner. Want to feel Pleasure and have a wonderful time. Thank you Calle.

Coach Cassandra Rae July 19, 2010 at 12:30 pm

This is one of your best blog articles, Chrystal! What goes on in our minds has a dramatic effect on all aspects of our lives – including sex. What a great reminder to let go of the analyzing and simply feel your way through it. Thank you!

Chrystal July 19, 2010 at 3:21 pm

Thanks Cassandra. Most of the credit goes to Calle Zorro who gave me the idea.

Hey Calle, be sure to check out the comments on my follow up blog. I highlighted your blog COMMENT in it’s own blog as I REALLY wanted the women in my circle to see your MALE perspective. Thank you for this gift to all of us.

Blissfully, Chrystal

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