Does this woman WANT to give and receive pleasure with me?

by Chrystal Bougon on July 19, 2010

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We blogged about “Orgasming with a Man” and all of the insecurities and the intense stream of consciousness some women have before they decide to have sex with someone new. This came about after I got a request to fill out a survey for a website where they are researching women and our pleasure response. The survey came from a site called www.MarriedandHappy.com .  The question I thought was so intriguing was this: ““Question: Once a woman starts making love with a man, what causes her to be orgasmic with him?”  And this link to our blog includes this inner dialogue that MarriedAndHappy suggests some women have.  The author had such a fantastic response and from a male perspective, too, I wanted to highlight it for all of you:

From Calle Zorro of  www.MarriedAndHappy.com :

“Your statement of “No one can give you an orgasm. It’s your job to have an orgasm, not someone’s job to give you one.” is SOOOO true.

And you know, it’s the craziest thing…too many women are waiting around for someone to GIVE them one…and all they need to do is take the reins so to speak and HAVE one!

There’s nothing to “get”…they already HAVE everything that’s needed.

But of course, it’s hard to HAVE an orgasm when a woman’s mind is on everything EXCEPT what it’s supposed to be focused on during lovemaking. For example, how can a woman expect to have an orgasm if she’s analyzing and trying to figure out what her lover thinks of her looks or size? How can she expect to have an orgasm if she’s paranoid over keeping her lover from seeing her butt (or some other part of her anatomy) in a certain light or angle?

I can assure you, when a woman is naked with him, NO normal, decent, reasonable man is thinking about or even noticing some wrinkle, bulge, or stretch-mark. He’s ONLY thinking about ONE line of thought:

Does this woman WANT to give AND receive affection and pleasure WITH me? Does she WANT to enjoy me WHILE I enjoy her? Does she WANT to be with me like I WANT to be with her? Does she WANT to give herself to me like I want to give myself to her?

And, if the answer is “Yes!” then the woman could look like an elephant or a giraffe for all the man cares.

This is why ALL guys like James Bond movies…in addition to the action, they can pretend for an hour and a half that they are that guy with whom a sexually-charged woman WANTS to be with.

Same thing with porn…and by no means am I condoning or promoting porn…I’m just making a point…many women see what men are looking at and they feel intimidated…they get offended and feel cheated…because they THINK there is no way they can “compete” with the sculptured, oiled, highlighted women in porn…and they totally miss that the ONLY thing the guy is noticing is how much the woman LIKES and WANTS to be affectionate and sexual with the male actor…and how much the woman enjoys everything. And of course, porn doesn’t at all represent reality…but it TOTALLY sums up the essence of what a man wants…a woman who WANTS him with a passion!

For a man, there is NO “love-connector” more powerful than a woman who WANTS to share affection and pleasure WITH him…in spite of HIS faults AND HERS!

So, ladies, LET GO of any negative stuff in your head…WANT your man…WANT to feel pleasure…and HAVE yourself a wonderful, incredible, deeply-connecting orgasm with your man.”

From Chrystal: Would love your comments here. What do you think? Ladies – is it helpful? Does it help you to know his perspective and can you use this to replace those negative “tapes” we all have running through our own heads and replace them with these positive thoughts? We’d love to hear from you here.

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  • Very interesting article! It was most helpful for me. I, a single woman of 10 years after leaving a 20 year marriage, have not been with a man since, and have been nervous about it happening… I’ve aged, etc. KNowing that the guy is really turned on by a woman who wants to be with him and wants to show affection was so nice to know! I believe I am finally ready in my life to do these things… to really be able to show affection, to really be into the lovemaking. Thanks!

  • My husband is always happy when I show him love and affection and I’m very happy that he finds me attractive just because I do :). Nice to see it from a guys perspective though. Thanks
    Louise Edington recently posted..If you change the way you look at things- the things you look at change Wayne Dyer

  • Carolyn, I hope that you can embrace this next phase in your life. You have everything to look forward to – the butterflies, the great new sex. go and get it girl.

    Crystal, I had to laugh about wanted to hide certain parts of your anatomy from your spouse. When I think about how bad I may look, it’s an emotional negative and can kill any other feelings I may have. It’s good to see someone bring it out in the open.

  • Very timely post, Chrystal; at 62 I am not the young, sexy thing I used to be, so it is encouraging to know that maybe my husband doesn’t care as much as I thought he might! I appreciate your insight and encouragement!

  • It is all women want too…to have their partner want them. For me when I watch a movie, when I really believe the actors want to be together…that is what pulls on the heart strings (which are attached to the other strings, wink, wink.) Your post reminded me to be sure to show my hubbie (17 years and counting) how much I love AND desire him, still.

  • Thanks ladies for all of your comments! I really appreciate them. I am glad you got something from this blog. I know it’s a reminder we all need to hear on occasion. Blissfully, Chrystal

  • Okay, not what I expected when I opened up the site next to other parents along the soccer field -lol! Interesting to know that this was written from a male perspective, totally agree with what was said. However, men often don’t realize that women don’t just automatically snap in and out of moods or easily dump the laundry list of chores running around in their heads. When I was married, I used to tell my husband that there was nothing I found more sexy than a man doing dishes… 🙂
    Brandy Mychals
    Jewelry for Your Target Market
    http://www.BrandyMychals.com

  • Interesting post, Chrystal. Unfortunately, your piece reminds me of my single status (which I love!), but the lack of intimacy can be a bummer. Being away from the game, so to speak, definitely creates some insecurity w/body image (hey, we’re not getting any younger!), so I love how you talk about what men are thinking… encouraging…
    Heidi Alberti & Atticus recently posted..Atticus- Dogsitter Extraordinaire

  • Great to read a man’s perspective. Makes sense and its a great thing to remember.
    Jean Bentley recently posted..Change and Changing Diapers!

  • A great perspective–thanks for the post. I think a lot of troubles in the bedroom stem from the baggage brought along. “Naked” should mean more than clothes when it comes to such intimacy, right? Leave the bags outside. 🙂
    Dave Saunders recently posted..One Tweet Does Not a Conversation Make

  • Read this again for Blogger MOnday and got the same feeling as I expressed above. Thanks for the tip! It will be of use to me and countless others, I’m sure.

  • amy donovan

    so relevant! i myself am guilty of occasionally giving in to the do-my-thighs-look-big? train of thought on occasion, which certainly doesn’t make the experience ideal for me, + isn’t doing much for him, either. luckily, those thoughts are pretty rare + i try to convey my love + attraction above all else. thanks for sharing!

  • Where has your blog been for my married life?!?! Haha I have only been married two years, but because of my own “mind CRAP” I have…..issues! I implamented this line of thought just last night and got amazing results! Thank you for reinforcing this, and can’t wait for more blissful insights!

    Shawna E Anderson
    Jane of All Trades
    shawnaeanderson recently posted..Women in Networking-

  • Thanks Shawn. We are all guilty of it on occasion for sure. It’s great to have the male p.o.v. isn’t it.

  • Everyone looks super hot by candlelight! What big things? 🙂

  • So true. We all carry all of those bags around and if we are not aware of them – it carries over in the boudior. Thansk for the comment, Dave.

  • I want to engrave it and put it next to my bed, Jean. Thanks for commenting. I appreciate it.

  • Chrystal, interesting and enlightening to get the man’s perspective. So all these years of sucking in my stomach has been a waste of time? LOL I am kidding. Since I have been with the same many forever I never worried about how I looked. It is helpful & wonderful to keep this in mind, for the next phase in my life, being in the moment, sharing love and pleasure.
    Jennifer Duchene recently posted..Simple Bedroom Update- one Day Makeover

  • A book I was read, pointed out that all a man cares about is a smiling, happy naked woman, the rest is not important.

  • I am glad to say that in the heat of the moment the last thing I ever thought about was how my body looked. I looked pretty good when we got married and as we aged we both developed some flaws.

    I am not sure how I would feel if I had to date again.
    Julia M Lindsey recently posted..4 Great Reasons Why You Need an Editor

  • LOL. Maybe so, Jen. Thanks for the comment. I enjoyed your blog about the World Cup’s influence on fashion and style.

  • I loved this:

    “For a man, there is NO “love-connector” more powerful than a woman who WANTS to share affection and pleasure WITH him…in spite of HIS faults AND HERS!”

    Truth. Love. Spiritual Connection.

  • I needed to know this 20 years ago. I have to say it is useful now for reinforcement. I heard Vivica Fox say women my age with younger men are not Cougars we are called Jaguars (Ha! Ha!) I’m a married Jaguars and my husband is beautiful, buff, & the light of my life. I look at him sometimes & think WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ME? He is crazy about me & is the one who taught me all the things outline in your post. It is so dead on.

    Lisa Ann Landry – Corporate Trainer – Unleashing the Genie!

  • Chrystal

    Thanks Lisa Ann. Sounds like you have a super hot marriage! I am sure he feels exactly the same way about you. HAVE FUN!

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