Resentment never leads to hot sex.

by Chrystal Bougon on May 10, 2012

Couple upset with each other

Resentment. Sometimes the third person in a marriage or relationship. Sometimes like the pink elephant in the room. According to Webster’s Dictionary resentment comes from “being treated unfairly.” I would take it a step further and say that it’s more like the “perception that you have been treated unfairly.” Resentment NEVER leads to hot sex.

Relationships and marriages are f*cking tough. I have been heard, on more then one occasion, of saying that being in a long term relationship is one of the hardest things I have ever attempted to do. Atleast with your family, when your relationships are strained or difficult – they can’t leave you. You’re stuck with them and they are stuck with you. (Well, the could leave you but you know what I mean.) In a marriage or a LTR, you know that it can end.

Most people think that adding sex toys and bondage gear are the way you can SPICE up your sex life. Do you want to learn the 3 Things to End Bedroom Boredom from a sex toy expert like me and then go and buy those three things? Well, bad news.  I am here to tell you right now – the best way you can spice up your sex life is to TALK with your partner about your sex life.  (And, yes I do have a blog called “3 Ways to Beat Bedroom Boredom” and tons of other blogs about sex toys and how they can improve your sex life. But, honestly, the best way to improve your sex life is to communicate with your lover about your sex life.”

Yes, TALK. Communication is hella sexy.

Everyone  sitting in their respective “corners” having a full on conversation in their own head about what you think your lover or partner might say when you bring it up is USELESS. You have to talk about it on occasion, dear reader. No matter how uncomfortable it may be. Practice makes perfect and the more you talk about it, the easier it gets. You have to model the behavior you want to see in your sex life. And, as my friend and Sex Educator Reid Mihalko says ” Be the change you want to see in your bedroom.” Take the Ghandi approach.

I am blogging about this tonight because the last 10 days this theme keeps coming up. I met a woman last week who has not had sex with her husband in over a year. Yes. She still loves him. Yes. She wants to stay with him. But, she has no idea how to get over the resentments she feels towards him. She asked me for advice at the Bliss Pleasure Party I was doing to see if I had any ideas. She misses having sex with him and the affection, but they can’t see to bridge that gap. They have been together for 15 years.

I posted this question on my Bliss Facebook page and got some awesome ideas and responses from my Bliss fans and customers. Here are some of the ideas for how to start working on the resentment and try to get back together in their bedroom:

From AJ:  Have sex then spoon then fall asleep.  wake up the next morning kiss then discuss the previous issues and agree to either leave it in the past and move forward or to move on from each other.

From LED:  In my mediator training I noticed that resentment is usually a sign that a person doesn’t feel heard or recognized related to one or more issues. Creating a setting where each of the resentments can be heard (“active listening”) in turn, with the follow-up question of “what would you need for it to be all better?” When all’s said and done, once a person feels that they were heard and their pain recognized, a sincere apology is all they need. And then, then, then comes the “first date.” Since there’s water under the bridge, that is better than trying to pick up where they left off. Do the whole thing. Dress up, restaurant, cocktails, being nervous, having some BlissConnection surprises hidden around the bedroom…

From JH: Therapy. And I mean that sincerely. Solo and couple. Doesn’t have to be long term… it’s so helpful to have a person mediate that doesn’t pick sides.

From KH: Sometimes it helps to write each other a letter. It helps you understand your own feelings better as well as the other person’s. Either talk them over or write letters back and forth until each person feels resolve. GOOD LUCK! Let love win! :-)

From LH: I have one:Each person make a list of every grievance for the past year.  Leave nothing out. Next, each grab a big handful of dried beans.  Find a spot outside.  Stand back-to-back and pace off 20 steps from each other, so that you’re standing at least 20 feet from each other.  Turn and face each other–and start saying (LOUD!) one by one, all the things that you are mad about or resentful about, all the while throwing at the other person a dried bean for each statement as you say it.  Continue until you’re totally empty of things to say. ( Refill beans as necessary.)  It’s important to be at least 20+ feet distance from each other, so everyone has his/her own space,  feels safe, and emotions don’t flair.  The throwing of the little beans really rids the emotions kinesthetically (and it frankly feels a little silly, so it helps keep the drama out of it).  This was one of the techniques our incredible therapist taught to my ex-hub and me in our “how to fight” training.  We did this exercise, ended up laughing and feeling the closest to each other that we’d ever felt. We got engaged shortly thereafter.  It works.

Do you have any other ideas for couples who are dealing with the NO SEX and the RESENTMENT issues we all are familiar with and that come up in all relationships? Please share them here if you do.

Blissfully, Chrystal Bougon

www.BlissConnection.com is our online sex toy store

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  • Anne

     SO true…. holding on to the little things adds up over time to major distance.  Communication IS sexy — Just wish it was easier!  :)

  • Shawngal

    Really interesting input. I agree resentment is an intimacy killer. The closeness that only good communication can create is so valuable to a long term relationship. I say, talk it out, and get on to the make-up sex!

  • Guest

    Great post!  Lots of things happen and change  when you’ve been in a relationship for a long time.  It’s great to hear other people’s ideas to get back to a place where you can let your guard down and enjoy the connection.  Have you seen 7 Days of sex on Lifetime?  It would be fun if you gave a 7 days of sex assignment.  Something fun to do after you get over the resentment ;)

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