Tristan Taormino Interview Part 2: Better Sex Radio

by Chrystal Bougon on March 10, 2010

 

Anal Sex DVD

Anal Sex DVD

 

Part 2 – Transcript of our interview with Best Selling Author, Adult Movie Film Maker, Sex Educator Tristan Taormino (Link to Part 1 of our Better Sex Radio interview with Tristan Taormino) 

 

Cont. (We are talking about her books available on Amazon.com here.)  

You can see all the fantastic books that Tristan has written, and we sell a lot of your anal sex DVDs on our website and at our home parties – especially at the home parties, that’s the big topic nowadays.

 

T:              Is it? Was I ahead of the trend?

 

C:              I think you were, yes. Of course, people tend to be really open-minded in the Bay Area. I’ve been doing pleasure parties for seven years and we set up a full store in the home. That way, people don’t have to wait for their purchases – they actually get to take them home that night.

 

T:              So they don’t get shipped, right?

 

C:              Right. So I used to joke that as soon as the door closes, two questions always came up. After the presentation, our customers come back with us into the store if they want to make a purchase, and it’s just them and us. Just as we close the door so they have some privacy while they shop, the first two questions asked are “Can I put it in my butt,” and “How can I get/give/ better oral sex?” I think about two years into the home parties, about three or four years ago now, the topic started coming up during the presentation, and I saw the shift. Now it’s not all about the privacy, but how they can get better oral sex and “I really want to have anal sex.” It’s so cool that it’s coming out in the conversation in front of everyone now where it used to be behind the door.

 

T:              Behind close doors. Yes. And I think this dialogue around anal pleasure has changed so much in the past 10 years, as well as the dialogue around straight men receiving anal pleasure. That’s also a really big trend and there’s a real difference in the way people talk about it, claim it, and own it. I love that.

 

C:              I saw a friend of mine do a presentation at the sex toy trade show a couple years ago, and he was talking about how to have anal sex without any pain. This is one of the funniest lines, and you’ve probabloy heard this before: “The anus has 6,000 nerve endings for male or female. It’s the “equal opportunity” hole. Everybody has 6,000 nerve endings there! (Here is our link to our blog for 9 Tips for Pain Free Anal Sex)

 

T:              I don’t know if there are 6,000 nerve endings, because that would make it as sensitive as the clitoris, and the clitoris is the most sensitive of anyone’s body.

 

C:              There’s something like 8,000 nerve endings there.

 

T:              Yes. Six to eight thousand. But it really is incredibly sensitive, and I think that’s one of the things people just don’t know. They’re surprised to hear that.

 

C:              It’s so cute. At pleasure parties, when the men come back into the room, because they’re not really ready to talk about the prostate massage and stuff in front of everybody, once the door closes they’ll be nervous, but they’ll ask me something really ridiculous like “If I want a finger up my butt, does that mean I’m gay?” I’ll ask them, “I don’t know. Are you gay?” You’re the only one who knows if you’re gay. It’s pleasurable and…

 

T:              But that myth persists, and it holds people back. We’ve really got to keep drilling it into them that, no, this doesn’t mean you’re gay. Go with it. Go with your desires. Go with what feels good.

 

C:              I should ask, “Do you want a girl’s finger up your butt or a boy’s finger up your butt?”

 

T:              I always say, “If you’re in doggy-style when you turn around, who do you want to see?”

 

C:              So true. I first became familiar with you when I saw you on “Real Sex”, teaching people how to have anal sex. How long ago was that?

 

T:              I’ve done a couple episodes of “Real Sex.” That one was my third one, so it was only a couple years ago. We did a sort of anal sex workshop.

 

C:              I guess I remember the second one, where there were a lot of women, maybe at a party.

 

T:              That’s the first one. I think it was from 1999, and they still play the tape! People still email me, asking, “How can I come to one of your parties?” I answer them with “I hate to tell you this, but that was 10 years ago.”

 

C:              “Real Sex” is known for playing their stuff over and over. Fortunately, this year they’re finally playing some new stuff. My Tivo picks them all up, so I get all excited, thinking “Oh, my gosh, I saw this glass dildo episode of Real Sex 10 years ago!”

 

T:              Exactly, but the anal sex one is much more current – in the past couple of years.

 

C:              I was reading a review that someone wrote on Amazon about one of your anal sex books, and I’d never really thought about the G-spot pleasure you can get from anal sex. I was just trying to think in my own brain, “Why is it so pleasurable? What makes it so intense and so good.” One of the people who wrote a review was saying that it was because it requires a lot of communication between the two partners, and I thought, “Oh, that is very true. All that talking is kind of exciting.”

 

T:              Certainly, lots of women can experience indirect G-spot stimulation, and that has to do with toys, certain positions… But really, a lot of women say that they definitely feel their G-spot being stimulated, because all that’s really separating the rectal cavity from the vaginal cavity is a thin wall. So in certain positions, you can definitely indirectly stimulate the G-spot.

 

C:              Interesting. And, of course, if you’re super excited, then we know your G-spot does grow a little bit with lots of blood flow.

 

T:              Yes, it swells and becomes more prominent.

 

C:              And you would definitely have to be very turned on to even consider having anal sex.

 

T:              I think it’s good to be turned on for everything! It’s so funny when I talk about my “Top 10” things you need for great anal sex, arousal is one of them, and people ask, “Well, isn’t that just common sense?” I tell them, though, if your body is turned on, it’s just easier. You’re already in a state of arousal and you’ve gone through the arousal process. You’re just more likely to be relaxed and your ass is going to be open. It’s just easier, I think.

 

C:              I wrote a blog called “Nine Tips For Having Pain-free Anal Sex”, and one of them, I believe, is that YOU really have to want it, not your partner.

 

T:              Absolutely. The butt does not lie. If it doesn’t want anything going in there, nothing’s going in there.

 

C:              That’s so true.

 

T:              You’ve got to be on board, so I like that the people at your parties come to you and say, “Hey, I really want to have anal sex,” because I think that’s where it has got to start. No one should have it because their partner is pressuring them or because they feel like everyone else is doing it, or any of that. It really has to come with you. For people who are nervous about it, I tell them, “Incorporate it into your masturbation routine.” Don’t try it first with a partner if you’re really nervous about it. Do it first by yourself. See how it feels. See what you like. Go at your own pace. Then you can incorporate it into partner sex.

 

C:              Absolutely. If you can’t envisioning it happening in your own brain, it will never happen.

 

T:              Exactly!

 

C:              A couple of other things we suggest, I suggest that whatever amount of lubricant you think you need, triple it, and use a great lubricant (silicone lubricant). And I think small things first, like you said, getting familiar with it by using small toys or fingers. Then – and please correct me if I’m wrong, because I really consider you to be the expert in this field – I think the woman needs to control the penetration, not the guy.

 

T:              Absolutely. I think it’s really all about pacing. That’s why I often recommend that the person on the receiving end is on top, because it allows them to control the depth of penetration, the speed, and also just the angle of their body. So I think they definitely have to be in control, and I really, really think it’s all about the warm-up. I think the major mistake that people make with anal play is that they rush it. They try to go too fast, they try to get to something big too quickly, and that’s what messes them up. The butt really needs lots and lots of warm-up.

 

C:              What do you think about this? We talk about it a lot. I feel that women need to pay attention to what works well for them vaginally, and I think it helps for women to really know the way their bodies work – whether their vagina tilts a little bit forward or they’re more straight up and down, or maybe the vaginal canal tilts backward, more than likely their rectum is going to go in the same direction. So if you know that doggy-style never works for you vaginally, it’s very likely it won’t work for you doggy-style, either.

 

T:              Yes, although I also think that it can be different. For me, for example, I can take a lot bigger things in my butt than I can in my vagina. It’s just that you’ve got more room in the rectum, obviously, but I find that I can take longer/bigger toys in my butt than I can in my vagina. It’s just how my body works.

 

C:              Same rule for women who are using strap-ons for anal sex to again start small, the receiver controls the penetration…

 

T:              Absolutely, and lots and lots of lube.

 

C:               Yes, because nothing is lubricating on its own back there.

 

T:              No, and I think there’s another myth that we can just sort of spit in our hand and be done with it. I tell people in my workshops that spit is not a lubricant!

 

C:              Also, I think some lubrication companies talk about that if it starts to dry up on you, incorporate a little water or saliva… I don’t want to use a lubricant that requires that I do that.

 

T:              With the water-based lubes, that is true, though. Because they are water-based, a little bit of spit or a little bit of water actually reactivates them. Some people like to do that, while other people will just add more lube.

 

C:              I guess I just like the silicone lubricant so much because you don’t ever have to do that. You don’t have to keep reapplying.

 

T:              I’m a big, big fan of silicone toys, so I tend not to use silicone lube because of that.

 

C:              Because you can’t use the silicone lubricant with the silicone toys.

 

T:              Yes. It’s just a horrible trick the universe has played on us!

 

C:              Because silicone toys are always such great quality toys.

 

T:              And silicone lube is so great, but we’re not supposed to use them together!

 

C:              I know you’ve probably been asked this a million times, and it’s hard for me to answer this question, too, but my all-time favorite toy is the 5-speed bullet. I like the intensity and I like that it has different pulsations and escalations. Is there a toy that you would say you always keep in your drawer, at the ready? Even though you may own every sex toy known to man, is there one you just go back to over and over again?

 

T:              Wow! There’s not just one, actually. I would say there are a few. For me, I think the Pocket Rocket still works. I know it only has one speed, but this is something you could literally put in your purse, and I mean a tiny purse!

 

C:              Yes. You can travel with it, and it’s not too embarrassing when you get caught with it in Customs.

 

T:              Exactly. You can travel with it. If it falls out of your purse, it’s not like the first thing people see because it’s not a big, giant thing. I really love that one. I love really all of the metal butt plugs that are made by NJoy.

 

C:              Those are beautiful.

 

T:              Oh my God. Love, love, love those.

 

C:              It’s sanitary, too, so no porous materials.

 

T:              Very easy to clean, really gorgeous, and they also really last a long time. I’ve had them for years and years – they last.

 

C:              I love that company. They’re just way cool.

 

T:              Yeah, they’re super cool. There’s also a LELO vibrator that I really like called the “Liv.” If I’m in the mood for a vibrator for penetration, I really love the Liv, but “Ina” has come out, and I have them both.

 

C:              They make great products. Do you have the new Vibratex Mystic Wand in your new book?

 

T:              I don’t have the Mystic Wand.

 

C:              You have to get one! It’s like the Hitachi Magic Wand, but it doesn’t have to be plugged into the wall.

 

T:              But is it rechargeable?

 

C:              No, it takes four AA batteries, but it’s waterproof.

 

T:              I used to have one of the wand vibrators that was rechargeable, and I’d say that the charge died on more than one occasion at totally the wrong moment. I had to give up on it, because I thought, “This is horrible! This is like my worst nightmare!”

 

C:              Everybody loves the Hitachi Magic Wand, but unfortunately you’re stuck with having to stay close to the outlet because it plugs into the wall.

 

T:              I’m not a big Hitachi fan because it’s a little overwhelming for me.

 

C:              I think you might like their new Mystic Wand.

 

T:              On certain occasions, the Hitachi really worked, but I’d say as an everyday vibrator, it’s actually too powerful for my clit, in particular. But obviously people love it.

 

C:              I always tell people is that lesbians know their sex toys, and pretty much every lesbian owns the Hitachi Magic Wand, so that’s a sign that it’s a really great toy. It also lasts forever.

 

T:              I worked at Babeland for many years, and people would come in and say, “I’ve never used a sex toy. I’ve never used a vibrator. I’m here to buy my first vibrator, and my friend recommended the Hitachi Magic Wand.” I’d say, “Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.”

 

C:              “Those are for advanced girls.”

 

T:              Yeah. I’d have to say, “Let’s take a deep breath. Let’s put you into something a little…” This is like someone who has never driven a car before coming in and we put her in a Maserati.

 

C:              You have to start with baby steps, definitely.

 

T:              I think that people who’ve never used something before shouldn’t go right to the top. It may scare them off.

 

C:              It’s great on your neck, too, and a great back massager. I totally agree with you, though. It’s way too much for beginners. It’s best to start smaller and save the Hitachi Magic Wand for later.

 

T:              You’ve got to kind of know, and I think every woman is different. I know women who swear by the Sasi. Have you used the Sasi?

 

C:              We’re selling it now, but I haven’t tried it.

 

T:              The Sassy is really the only vibrator that most closely mimics oral sex. I like it. I love the technology. I love the company. I love to recommend it for people who say, “These really hard-charging, sort of buzzing vibrators don’t work for me.” But for me personally, it cannot give me an orgasm.

 

C:              It’s beautifully crafted, I have to agree with you there.

 

T:              But everyone is different. There’s so much out there now that I feel there really is something for everyone.

 

C:              How come nobody ever believes women when they say they have anal orgasms? Is this something that people just can’t grasp?

 

T:              Let me just say in general, remember that female sexuality has had a long history of being really misunderstood…

 

C:              Neglected?

 

T:              Yeah! It was quite a long time before we got our hands around the clit as the really important part of female sexuality that it is. When that happened, there were women having G-spot orgasms or vaginal orgasms, and they were basically being told, no, it’s all about the clit. It’s a strange thing. We’ve gotten beyond the all-or-nothing model. Every woman is different. We all have different kinds of orgasms. I think we still just don’t have enough research on the ass as an erogenous zone – on all those nerve endings. When people do studies and they hook up machines to people’s genitals, there are no machines and probes that they hook up to your butt to see what your butt’s doing when you’re getting off. So we don’t have a lot of research, and we still have all this misunderstanding about the potential pleasure for anal play. Therefore, people are still just thinking, “Okay, I get why men want to do it, but I don’t get why women want to be on the receiving end.” I mean, there’s so much misinformation.

 

C:              I always say that I think for the last 150 years all the research money has been spent on Viagra and the male orgasm/the male erection that…

 

T:              Which is so frustrating! When I teach a G-spot workshop, people have hundreds of questions about female ejaculation, and I have to start out by saying, “You know what? We actually don’t know a lot about this. Let me tell you what we do know.” But let me tell you that I’ve gone to these sexology conferences and I’ve sat through these pretty boring presentations on the urethral sponge. And let me tell you that I’ve talked to thousands and thousands of women about their G-spots and about female ejaculation, so I can tell you anecdotally what people tell me. But if you’re looking for some hard science research, it’s not there.

 

C:              It’s a little fuzzy there. It’s getting a little better, although recently that ridiculous study came out. I said, “I have a G-spot, I know it exists, so ignore this ridiculous study where all they did was pretty much just ask women whether or not they had a G-spot and they said, ‘No, I don’t.’”

 

T:              I know, which is so confusing and weird! It was also all about intercourse. They asked about “While you’re having intercourse, have you noticed that you have a G-spot or that your G-spot is stimulated,” which I think is misleading, and sometimes intercourse isn’t always the best way to stimulate the G-spot. I think the whole study was so deeply flawed and the follow up to it was…I don’t know. There was mainstream coverage of it that was just really problematic. I only saw really one – I think it was the Dr. Oz show or The Doctors. Dr. Laura Berman was on, and she stated that every woman has a G-spot. She was the only sort of credible/popular figure person who went on and said that, which needed to be said!

 

C:              Dr. Berman told everybody on Oprah that they needed to have a vibrator. She tells women, “Yes, you do have a G-spot.” Thank God she exists.

 

T:              Yes. Also, I think just demystifying all these ideas about the vibrator, because I think there’s still all this leftover stuff about vibrators. Like, “If I need a vibrator, I’m not a good lover,” or “My partner’s not a good lover, they don’t know what they’re doing”…I get these questions all the time. I remember the first time I got this question. It was, “I’ve been with my partner for this many years. Here’s my problem. The only way for me to cum during anal penetration is with a vibrator on my clit. Please help.” And I thought, “Wait. What’s the problem?” I have to remind people, Listen, there are women out there who have never had an orgasm.

 

C:              I meet them all the time, in their 40s, 50s, and they’ve never even had one.

 

T:              First of all, you’re telling me that your partner knows how to have an orgasm, can have an orgasm, and knows how to get there. What’s the problem?!?

 

C:              It’s interesting. I’ve talked to, I guess, about 10,000 women now at these home parties about sex and toys. With the toy issue, I always tell them that if their partner is intimidated by toys, the really savvy men know that sex toys do all the heavy lifting for them. Sex toys are the appetizer, not the entrée, right? That’s your partner. But there’s also the stigma about lube – and I definitely want to talk with you about your new fellatio book – but there is just as much stigma related to a sex toy. Some women just feel like “If I have to use a lube, he’s going to get offended.” I try to explain to them that some 17-year-old women have issues lubricating while some 90-year-old women do not.

 

T:              Exactly!

 

C:              So many things can affect your ability to lubricate. You can have too much coffee, too much stress, not enough sleep, taking allergy medication…

 

T:              Taking birth control. There’s all of these issues. In my college sex ed lectures, this is a big part of what I talk about. I teamed up with Astroglide and they send me all these samples of lubes I get to hand out, and I think we just need to keep reinforcing that this is not a post-menopausal woman thing.

 

C:              It’s a luxury to have with you when you’re having sex. I don’t need a lubricant yet, but even when I don’t need it, it’s a luxury to add to what you’re doing.

 

T:              Absolutely.

 

C:              It just feels so good.

 

T:              I think that, yes, there is this idea that if you’re turned on, you’re automatically lubricated. You could be lubricated, but not lubricated enough for whatever the penetration is. Your lubrication may not last for as long as you want penetration to last. So it’s so important for people to know if you want penetration to be possible, comfortable, sustainable, pleasurable, etc., you need lubes…period.

 

C:              I’ve certainly been wet before when I really wasn’t all that turned on, too, so it can go away anyway, as well.

 

T:              Exactly. The two are not mutually exclusive. One can happen when the other doesn’t and vice versa.

 

C:              But people say, “If I want lube, my husband gets upset” or “I hate to do that because he’s going to think that…” Ladies, really, it’s almost like putting on a really nice oil when you get out of the shower so your skin is super soft. It’s just a luxury that you add to your lovemaking, but it’s hard to reframe people.

 

T:              It just feels good. It feels better.

 

C:              I know you’re not feeling well and that your back is hurting, but I really want to hear all about your new guide to fellatio.

 

T:              Yes. This is my newest video in the Sex Education Imprint line that I do for Vivid Entertainment. We did the “Expert Guide to Advanced Fellatio.”

 

C:              Does “advanced” mean more like deep-throating and things like that?

 

T:              Well, we have “The Expert Guide to Oral Sex – Part 2” which covers fellatio, so it covers the basics. In this advanced guide, we’ve got a couple things going on. We’ve got advanced positions, so if you’ve seen these wild positions in porn and you want to actually do them safely…

 

C:              We say that porn stars are sexual Olympians, we’re not.

 

T:              Exactly. Then deep-throating, things like gagging, or what does a rough blowjob look like and how do you negotiate that with your partner. For instance, if you want to actually have a really intense blowjob, how do you work that out? It’s kind of about the blowjob as a singular experience, that it doesn’t just have to be foreplay or just a 5-minute thing…it actually can be an entire sexual experience unto itself.

 

C:              Experience and almost like a performance.

 

T:              Yes. We shot it a slightly different way, with three cameras, including some POV, so I kind of think of it like the show “24”, but for blowjobs.

 

C:              I’m to hear that sound that they make all through the episodes!

 

T:              No, there’s none of that! But you can see it from every angle, and I think that’s really helpful. I’m always trying to find new ways to teach people. People learn in different ways, and I’m always trying to figure out new ways to visually help them. I feel like this video is new for me in that it’s more show and less tell.

 

C:              I get anywhere from 3,000-5,000 listeners to my show every Wednesday morning, and usually they are regular women just like me. Is there any one special tip you’d be able to give them that maybe they can use for steak and a blow job day?   www.steakandbjday.com

 

T:              I would start with my first video, “Expert Guide to Fellatio”. That’s a given. I think that you shouldn’t be afraid to use your hands. Every good porn start uses their hands. It’s not like cheating to use your hands, and it actually increases the sensation. If you can get your hands and mouth to work in tandem, you are seriously in business.

 

C:              If you use your hands a little bit, too, it’s almost like creating the cock ring effect, so it can intensify it for them and you. I think it’s more exciting visually, as well.

 

T:              If your guy likes a tight grip, which some guys do – you really have to communicate about that – you can’t possibly do that with your mouth, so you’re going to have to use your hand in order to do that.

 

C:              And my teeth get in the way all the time. I wish somebody could make a great product that could soften or cover the teeth. I know there are a few things out there, but I haven’t been very successful with them.

 

T:              They’re horrible. I think you’ve just got to work out your own system for that. I also do talk about prostate massage during a blowjob in my video. It’s the only sex ed video on fellatio that talks about that, but sometimes the best way to spice up a blowjob is a little finger up the butt.

 

C:              If you want to make it really efficient and quick, put the finger up the butt! Two or three years ago at the trade show I like to go to, all they talked about at every single booth was prostate stimulators. There are a lot of home party women at these conventions, and I overheard some women in front of us. One of the women said, “If they would just stop talking about this prostate massage thing, then maybe men would stop asking for it.” I thought, “Oh, that’s the wrong way to go.” The woman was supposed to be a sex educator, right, and everyone is there to learn, but she’s talking about squashing that communication. Apparently she doesn’t like to do it! Her loss.

 

              You’re on a tour right now, too, aren’t you?

 

T:              I am. At the end of the month I have an event that I co-produce in Washington, DC, that I call “Dark Odyssey” ( www.darkodyssey.com ). I am then off and running the entire month of March in Boulder, Denver, Portland, Salem, Seattle, Toronto…a lot of different places. People can view my schedule by going to www.PuckerUp.com and clicking on “Tristan on Tour” to see if I’m coming to their home town.

 

C:              Also, you have another website for sustaining polyamorous relationships. What is that URL all about?

 

T:              My open relationships website is www.OpeningUp.net.

 

C:              Cool. You’re involved in so many different things, and I know all of it relates to educating. I can say thank you from the bottom of my heart whenever I met anybody who is a teacher, because you and Violet and Madison and the rest are really helping us kick down those last taboos and other barriers that keep us from wanting to talk about these things. Again, we’re here in the Bay Area, so people are really openly interested in all the things you do, and hopefully you’re also making some pathways into the other parts of the country or world where people are still a little bit more conservative than they are out here. Thank you.

 

T:              Thank you for having me on your show!

 

C:              It’s always a pleasure. Take care of yourself, have a great tour, and I’m definitely going to add your new DVD to my website.

 

              Again, if you want to check out Tristan’s website, go to PuckerUp.com, which has her anal advisor and lots of links to the tours she does, such as going around to different colleges and her Dark Odyssey event ( www.darkodyssey.com ). If you’re interested in knowing more about how to sustain a polyamorous relationship, her other website is www.OpeningUp.net . Or just go to our blog, www.bliss-radio.com, and you’ll find links to her websites there. What an amazing woman. I love that she can talk about anything and everything as intelligently and elegantly as you possibly can. We like to say that a lot here: “We sell sex toys as elegantly as you can when you’re selling dildoes and butt plugs and double dongs and strap-ons.” There’s no reason to take it into the gutter. We’re all trying to elevate the concept of sex, and I appreciate that about Tristan.

 

              If you want to check out Tristan’s DVD, we do have it available on www.BlissConnection.com . Of course, our radio listeners can always use the coupon code “radio” for 15% off. For you Bay Area listeners, I wanted to mention that we are now doing a home party we’re calling “Everything Everyone Wants to Know About the Penis.” We did a seminar 3-4 weeks ago where we did a 90-minute presentation about handjobs, blowjobs, manscaping, penis rings, etc. Now we’re doing that in a home party format. It comes to around $30 per girls if you have 10 girls ($300 total), and it takes about 90 minutes to two hours. You just get you and nine of your girlfriends together and we’ll do the Everything Everyone Wants to Know About the Penis” presentation, including teaching you how to give at least 15 styles of handjobs. It’s so much fun. We really had a blast doing the seminar, so we thought we needed to turn it into a product. Just give us a call if you’d like more information, (408) 826-9087, or email us at BlissConnection@gmail.com and we’ll get you on the calendar and tell you a little more about how the party works.

 

              We’re taking a week off next week, but will be back with you on March 3rd with Allana Pratt and Patty Britton. If you want to hear some of our other shows while we’re off next week, you can always go to iTunes.com and type in either “Better Sex Radio” or “Bliss Radio” and you’ll find all of our podcasts there.

 

Thanks for tuning in today. Hope you have lots of great sex over the next two weeks, and don’t forget to check out our online store, www.BlissConnection.com , or our blog at www.bliss-radio.com . You can also find us on www.Facebook.com/BlissConnection. We love your emails and comments.

 

Have a great week and take care!

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