Why does my wife enjoy being dominated?

by Chrystal Bougon on September 7, 2009

(This information in this blog has been created from a Facebook exchange with a customer/listener who heard me on with Connie & Fish in Milwaukee, WI a month or more ago. I took out all of the names to protect his identity. It’s such a valid topic and something we get asked about quite often, so we thought it would be valuable to share here.)
Dear Miss Bliss,
I heard you on an FM station here in Madiscon, WI. You sound very knowledgeable and open minded and I could have listened to you all day long. I have some questions i’m hoping can get answered as my wife never gives me an answer and when she does it’s alway an “I dunno, I just do I guess.”  I have posted this question on other forums and to other sites, but after hearing your thoughtful replies to the callers on their show, I thought I would send my concern to you, too, to see what you think.

First off I just wanna say I’m a man who was raised to treat woman with respect. When my wife finally decided to share some of her fantasies with me after years and years of me asking her, she finally tells me she would like to get tied up and for me to insult her with mean sexual names and spank her and make her beg etc etc. I could go on and on.

When I asked why she liked this she could never give me an answer. Now as someone who was raised the way i was, i have a hard time trying to come to terms with something I didn’t think I should do. But I did it, for her, and have continued to do it for her , for almost a two years now. Despite struggling with what i’m allowing myself to do to her to make her happy but also making myself feel like i’m being a bad person. It is hard to understand why she wants to be verbally humiliated and for me to be VERY dominate sexually sometimes. (She does also love to be very intimate, tender and even a little bit dominate herself on occasion, so we do switch things up.)

My hope here is that you can tell me why some woman like this type of sex? Why does my wife like to be verbally humiliated and smacked hard on the butt until she has marks, or being told to beg for what she gets. I often feel afterwards sick to my stomach for what had just taken place. Please offer me some reasoning as to why she likes this. I have other questions as well but this will be the first. Thank you.

Dear RGS,

Thank you for your kind note. I am glad you enjoyed my interview with Connie & Fish. From your note, I can see you are very conflicted about the verbal and sometimes the little bit of physical humiliation your wife enjoys. 

I think sometimes it can be therapeutic for people to act out sexual fantasies like this in a safe way with someone that they love. It is an escape from the pressures of reality. For most men and women, they like the idea of being controlled by someone who would never actually hurt them. Does that make sense? It’s the safest way to completely let go. I think you should feel complimented that she trusts you enough to reveal that side of herself to you and supremely complimented that she trusts you so much to give up that much control.

If you were suggesting that this is the only way she can climax and the only way she enjoys intimacy with you, then I would say she may have some other intimacy issues and some counseling may be in order. However, you mention she also enjoys other types of what you might call “vanilla” sex. I get the feeling she just likes to ratchet up the intensity on occasion. (I also personally wonder if you have noticed a pattern around WHEN she likes the rougher more verbally humiliating sex. Maybe when she is more stressed at work or at home financially or with other stress?)

As long as the humiliation stays in the bedroom and private, I wouldn’t worry about it–however, if it REALLY makes you uncomfortable, try to work out a middle ground with her about how much/how often etc. and maybe try letting her in on a few of YOUR fantasies so that you can trade off? 

I think if you did not RESPECT and LOVE your wife as much as you do, she would not even consider asking you for this kind of sexual fun. I think since there is so much mutual respect and deep love, she trusts you to explore these fantasies that are considered to be more on the “dark” side.

Let us know how it works out for you! Thanks again. Blissfully, Chrystal

Dear Miss Bliss,

Thank you so much for your reply and for getting back to me so quickly. Your response pretty much echoes what the other forums and web board have said, too. I guess I just need to know more about dominance and submission and the exchange of power. I am learning to enjoy it more and am becoming more and more verbal and she seems to really respond by getting very wet and very excited.  Thanks and we love your website. We are going to buy the Beginner’s Bondage restraints from you in time for the Labor Day weekend.

DearRGS,  WOW! I am so glad to hear things are working out for you two. It sounds like there is a lot of love in your marriage and that is very heartwarming to me. I know it’s a strange concept, but try to wrap your head around this and it may change how you FRAME this type of play with your wife. In some circles, esp. where people play a lot with power exchange and submission / domination – the thinking is that the submissive person actually has ALL of the power. It seems counterintuitive, but when you think it through, it’s true. The submissve person sets up all of the rules and explains exactly what it is they want. The dominant person cannot really push past those rules or limitations without losing the submissive’s trust in them. (If the dominant person does push past those limitations, they risk never getting to play with their partner in that way again. So then the game is off.)  Does that make sense?

Remember, SEX SHOULD BE FUN!  I have a feeling you two will have many many years of fun together. Enjoy the Beginner’s Bondage. And, I did  a little looking around online and there are some sites that provide a whole bunch of information around bondage and domination without being over the top explicit. One of them is www.AmericanSpankingSociety.com and they have a bunch of links to the Wiki and other blogs that may help you to understand this better and maybe help you to understand how common this is and take the “worry” out of it for you.

Blissfully, Chrystal

http://www.BlissConnection.com  is our very tasteful online romance store

http://www.FreeSilverBullet.com is our mission to get one small vibrator into the hands of every woman

over the age of 18.


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