Swingers. Poly. Poly-curious. Monogamish. Ashley Madison. Cheating. Happy Endings. Open Marriages. Any anything else you can come up with for what you might call “playing sexually” outside of your committed relationship – I have just one rule I like to suggest to all of my Bliss and Curvy Girl customers.
RULE: If you cannot do what it is you and your lover want to do STONE COLD SOBER at NOON with the LIGHTS ON – then you are probably not ready to open up your sexual relationship.
RULE 1A: If you can have a very adult conversation eye to eye and sober as all hell with your lover and you two can come to an agreement as to what your boundaries and rules are for adding 1 or 2 other people to your sex life – then you might be ready. And, even after that conversation, there will have to be LOTS MORE very sober, very much eye to eye conversations after you dip your toe in to that world.
You will have to have schedule “follow up” conversations with your lover after every event that involves another person so you can check in and make sure those same rules and boundaries are still working. Making assumptions in life is just a bad idea. Assuming stuff about your lover and your sex life after inviting a 3rd party to join you is seriously the ingredients for a major relationship disaster. (Check in with your lover to find out what kind of “after care” they need after he or she shares you with another person.
If you think relationships with 1 person is difficult, try adding in another human to the mix. And, if you think disagreements are difficult with your lover, try adding another person to the dynamic. Another person with feelings and preconceived ideas about how things should work. It’s WORK. Relationships are work.
Can it be done successfully? Sure, it can. But, if you want some help and advice on how to do it well, check out classes like “How to negotiate successful threesomes and foursomes” and other seminars like “Date withing your Species” with Reid Mihalko.
My whole point, though, is that just because it sounds good buzzed, drunk or high doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Everyone should be sober and able to consent and explore their feelings around this kind of agreement. And, if you or your lover have to be high or buzzed to even have the conversation, I would suggest your relationship might not have the emotional maturity, yet, to act on your fantasies.
Ok, phew. I just wanted to get that off my chest all day long. I get asked frequently by my customers as to what I think. And do I think it can work. Do I think it’s a good idea. I have no idea what is a good idea for your relationship – but seriously – you have to be able to have stone cold sober grown up conversation with your lover to negotiate something so serious. Once the two of you play with another person, you are no longer a monogamous couple. Not sure what to call it. I like the word monogamish. I am not a big fan of labels, though.
If everyone is open, honest, safe and cares deeply for all of the parties involved – I say GET DOWN with your BAD SELF and have some fun.
Blissfully, Chrystal Bougon
Owner and Resident Curvy Girl