Women and Oral Sex: Why do women turn it down?

by Chrystal Bougon on January 1, 2010

Happy New Year! Thought we would start 2010 off just right with a super controversial subject…. women and oral sex.  This came up this past Wednesday on our Better Sex radio show when I was interviewing Emily Morse from www.SexWithEmily.com about her iPhone App which is called “101 Sex Tips.”   (Available on iTunes for your iPhone.)

Emily was giving us some of her tips and we got on the subject of the issues women discuss with us about receiving oral sex and I wanted to share some of our discussion here. We have both heard from thousands of women and it boils down to these issues: (Please share if you have more ideas on this topic.)       

Going Down

Going Down

1. Women are worried that their vagina smells bad. (A healthy vagina should not smell fishy or bad.)

2. Women are worried about what their vagina looks like up close and personal. (No two vaginas look the same. Just like a snowflake! My bikin waxer says “all vaginas are beautiful” and I love her for having some beautiful Georgia O’Keefe prints on the walls of her studio.)

3. Women are worried about their pubic hair. (We see so much written about waxing, brazilians, shaving, laser hair removal and landing strips.)

4. Women are worried that their partner is getting bored down there since it sometimes takes us 10 – 20 minutes to have an orgasm from oral sex. (Mostly because it takes some time to get in the moment.)

5.  Women are UNCOMFORTABLE  just receiving. We are not good at being “selfish” and not also giving some pleasure of some kind. (And, most women cannot climax while in the 69 position because we need to focus on our orgasm.)

6. Women are worried that their vagina might make noise when they climax. (Some women have the kind of vagina that pulls in air when they are excited or climaxing and then that air has to make it’s way out – which sometimes results in a noise that is similar to the sound of passing gas… but odorless.)

7.  Women who ejaculate worry about squirting on their partners. (This is a fabulous link from Holistic Wisdom that describes the biology of the ejaculate and gives a great definition of the g-spot and female ejaculation.)

8.  Women have old fashioned ideas that receiving oral sex is something that trampy, slutty girls do. (Hopefully this idea has pretty much DIED, but we are sure there are still a few women holding on to this one.)

I am sure there are more reasons women turn it down. But, when asked privately or surveyed anonymously, women say that they LOVE oral sex.  AOL Health did a survey of 3, 663 women ages 18 to 55 and 43% of them wanted oral sex as part of their foreplay but only 17% of them were comfortable asking for it from their partner.  (On a more positive note for Bliss, 46% of these women admitted to having a sex toy!)

In a blog I wrote called “9 Things Women Wish All Men Knew” I wrote about this topic. Sometimes women have their husbands or boyfriends convinced that they really don’t like receiving, but secretly they really do. So, they turn it down so often in the beginning because they are shy about it. After they’re together for awhile, they just sort of skip the topic entirely because he’s so worn down from being turned down so much.  BLOG ABOUT 9 THINGS  My advice if you are a guy is try to convince her you love to give her oral sex and see if you can’t make her more comfortable with it. I guarantee it will IMPROVE your own sex life if you give her that gift. (After all, I believe that giving your partner oral sex for men OR women is the highest compliment you can pay someone. It is the opposite of rejection!)

Some tips for my female readers if you can relate to any of the 8 “worries” I listed above.  For starters, keep the unscented wipes near the bed or in your bathroom. They are my answer to everything. When you travel in Europe, they have them in the bathroom stalls all over Germany and Holland. They just make sense. And, it’s polite to FRESHEN UP before you get busy. This goes for the guys, too!  Cleanliness makes everyone more comfortable when it comes to oral sex.

As far as how you vagina looks, your vagina is unique to you. Embrace it. It’s sort of like your age. You can’t change it and it’s uniquely yours. Own it. If you are really embassed, light a candle. Everyone looks lovely by candlelight.  As far as grooming, ask your partner what he or she likes. Try the bushy look. Try shaving it. Let your partner shave you into a heart or a smiley face. HAVE FUN.

Now to the serious stuff. It is o.k. to just receive and be selfish for 15 or 20 minutes. Just reciprocate so you don’t feel bad or like it’s not your turn. In most m/f relationships I hear that women give WAY more oral sex then they receive, so I have a feeling he owes you one.  You DESERVE this pleasure and you should receive it as a gift and enjoy it. (And, most men LOVE giving oral sex so it’s a huge turn on for them to be there and stop thinking you are putting him out.) Just think about how good you feel when you are giving him that kind of pleasure. More then likely he feels the same way. You own something they COVET and if he is really into you, he will LOVE giving you an orgasm with his mouth.

What do you think? Are you comfortable receiving oral sex? Are you comfortable asking for it? Have I missed any important angles here? Please share with us. If you have had a situation where you did not feel comfortable receiving oral sex from your lover? We want to hear from you.  Please comment below. We want to hear from you.

One of our favorite books on this topic is called “The Low Down on Going Down” and it could be fun for you to read and to share with your partner. The author is a speech therapist and she has two books. One is called “Blow Him Away” and it’s about giving better b.j.’s.  Her books are full of helpful tips, but I will warn you there are not a lot of drawings. Lots of text.  They are like text books for oral sex!

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  • Ann

    You know that a “vagina” is the inside part of female anatomy right? The thing women are worried about is their “vulva” or “labia” probably more specifically. It is the labia minora, or inner lips, that most women are comparing to porn stars, erotic photos or drawings. The inner lips are usually drawn small, pink and symmetrical in diagrams, books, anatomy charts, etc… This is rarely how inner lips look for most people. This is why vaginoplasty is getting popular, because women think their vulva or labia looks wrong compared to what they see (did you know that porn stars or adult models often have vaginoplasty to make them more marketable? The print materials they appear in can get a lower xxx rating if the inner lips are small and tucked inside the outer lips. Fer realz!). Anyway, I don’t think it helps anyone by referring to their genitalia by the wrong name. What if you were talking about the balls but kept calling it the penis? Wouldn’t you think that was confusing? You are a looked up to sex educator. You should be educating in posts like this to correct the misinformation about calling the vulva the vagina as well as giving all your great tips.

  • Anonymous

    Yes, I hear you on the Vagina vs. Vulva language. I agree. Vagina is not the right word. However, it’s such common verbiage here in America even though we really are talking about the vulva.  Sadly, I find that very few people know what vulva means. 

    So, since most people call it the vagina – even though we know the vagina is just one small part of the entire vulva – I am going with that word. I feel like there are so many other issues out there and that the word vagina is SO entrenched in our culture – I don’t think I can really take that cause on.

    I do have other friends who are sex educators who really have made this their mission to correct and educate people about the difference between VULVA and VAGINA. I support them and totally agree with you. 

    And. sadly, yes. Many porn stars to invest in labiaplasty to make their vulvas more marketable. 

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